how to tell @work

So this post is discussing pregnancy after experiencing infertility.

I’m still pregnant! I look and feel like shit! It’s great!!!

Little by little I’m telling my friends and some good collegues at work. The collegue who sits next to me is apparently also pregnant from her second, with a lot of drama “I didn’t expect it to be so soon, I had to wait from my doctor because of my cesarian, what will I doooooo”. Well girl, maybe you should have just waited a little bit more then, right?

I will have an appointment with a gyneacologist on the first September. Then I’m planning to tell my bosses.

You may know or not know that I’m a bit touchy when it comes to discuss babies at work. My boss (who I like to work with in general) is a bit nosy on the babyfront. She likes to make assumptions that you are pregnant if you drink fruit juice at an office party or when you complain to her about nausea from your thyriod medications. And then there is the collegue who is constantly talking about her kid and complains about pregnancy and make insinuations towards me having kids or having infertility problems all the time. I don’t know where she gets that from, but I never told her anything about her struggle.

I want to advocate about infertility, because I feel like if I don’t tell my experience, people, especially at work, will keep saying those dumb things like “when will you start a family” and “oh you don’t want babies I assume”.

When I tell my friends, I also tell them about our 3 IUI’s and our 2 year wait. And I point out that I am lucky that it didn’t take longer and that I didn’t have to do IVF, because there are people who have to go through so much more than I.

The question is: do I tell about the IUI’s at work?

Pro’s: I can advocate and maybe my boss and my collegue won’t be bothering other collegues who are maybe also TTC. Maybe this will work for other people, so I did a good thing!

Con’s: my boss will maybe be all dramatic and ask me why I didn’t mention it (well, it’s obvious: I could schedule it in my work agenda and I didn’t want to tell everytime something will go wrong at that department)

I think I will tell about the IUI’s. I just cannot lie and pretend everything went hunky dory.

The next question is: how will I tell it? How do you announce something like that? Pregnancy announcements at work are normally in an email, after you informed the chief boss. Will I say in the email just “it took us 3 IUI’s and it was a long road” or do I mention the “pressure of society about having kids and the illusion that you can snap your fingers and get pregnant whenever you plan it?”

I’m at moments just so angry with the people at my work and all their comments about “when will it be your turn little dragon?” that I just want to tell them off and maybe get a bit of “revenge”? Or is this too harsh? I just want to let them know in a professional way that all those questions over the years just really hurt my feelings. Especially when there are other collegues that never bothered me with questions, so it’s not like its NORMAL at work to be enquiring one’s sexlife. I know that my bosses are anxious that we all fall pregnant at the same time but hey, you give employement to a bunch of young women, whatcha thing would happen????

My mom is afraid that telling it will not be professional. But I just cannot lie about it.

What do you guys think?

ps: my bosses will FREAK OUT when they hear my other collegue is due 2 weeks after me. 2 workforces missing at the same time. nooooooo!

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annoying friends

ok, I’m 6 weeks pregnant now. whoop whoop! keep sticking and growing, little bean!

In the meantime I got annoyed yet again with a friend of mine.

It’s the girl who never leaves her baby alone and even never goes jogging or walk the dog because “if you chose to have children then you have to take care of them EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY”. I wrote a post about her some months ago. Let’s call her J. She’s not a very close friend but I know her a very long time already.

Well, yesterday I met her best friend M for drinks. M said that she and J think about me and are sympathetic with our TTC struggle. So far so good. That’s very nice of them.

Then she said that J wants to invite me and M over, but she is afraid too because then I will see the baby and all the babies toys in J’s house. And she thought that I couldn’t handle it because of my infertility.

In a way, I know that it’s kind to consider my potential bad feelings about a babyfull house. And I know that there are people who are triggered by seeing a baby and have meltdowns (which I totally understand, but i don’t have those feelings towards babies: it’s the mummy’s I’m annoyed about 🙂  M said that J ment well…

In another way I was very upset because J is convinced that that will be my reaction and immediately assumes that I cannot handle seeing baby/babystuff. She is doing the thinking for me. She’s anticipating that I will have a breakdown and that I will not come to her dinnerparty or cry all the time or something.

So J will not invite me to come over. The easy way out. In the meanwhile, she also chooses not to ask me how I’m doing. Like some other of my friends (I’m still guessing if they just don’t care or if they are feeling to awkward to talk about it).

But I’m not like J. I would love being invited by her! I love company and dinner parties. If it has to be in a house with 5 babies, then that’s the way it is! I will not feel bad because of this! If all my friends were reacting like that I would live in total isolation with my hubby and my parents as only company; What the fucking hell is this reasoning!

I’m sick and tired of people tiptoeing round my ttc problems and ignoring it out off fear (mostly for feeling bad themselves). i’m sick and tired that nobody wants to talk about it and are ashamed of it.

No, it’s so much more fun to be surrounded by happy friends without problems, isn’t it? Let’s completely ignore our friends with problems and invite only the happy ones! Let the sad friends stay at home wining, who needs them! What a bloody good idea!  😦 😦

I guess now that I am pregnant I’m still not over people’s awful reactions on infertility… It’s not like my feelings about this are vaporised the second that the nice lady called about my positive test result. And you know what? I prefer to be annoyed at those people and spread the word that infertility exist and is not to be ignored.

it’s a miracle!

Trigger warning! This post is about my Big Fat Positive. I don’t mind if you stop reading now if you’re just not into another pregnancy announcement xxx

you guys…

Last week my blood was drawn but I didn’t dare to write it down. It was a BFP!

So today new blood test and it’s STILL POSITIVE!

I’m so amazed and grateful. My third IUI worked! I’m 5 weeks knocked up!

Hubby’s reaction was: “FINALLY” with a big cheer. It seemed that almost 2 years of trying weighed on him down as well, although he always is positive and helpful.

I must say, the fact that you are almost 2 years TTC and the treatments in the hospital, makes you react to such good news in another way then a woman who never have to go through that shit.

I mean: first you are overcome with joy, and 5 minutes later you worry “because it’s IUI and maybe it will not stick”. then you are full of joy again because you never got this far, and you are officially pregnant and you JUST WANT TO ENJOY THAT. Only to have a complete nervous breakdown the day after because “we didn’t even try IVF, maybe Nature is just playing her crudest joke on me EVER”.

Oh wait, are that hormones? 🙂

I never peed on a stick after just a couple of months trying to celebrate with hubby in the privacy of our own home and telling the friends and family after a reasonable two or three months. Instead you are called in the middle of the day, expecting the worse, feeling numb, hurrying in an empty meeting room, try not to cheer to loud to the lady on the telephone because your collegues might hear you and having to announce your pregnancy to Hubby by telephone. Emerging 15 minutes later with a big grin (but not too big, because you never know it might go wrong) and trying not to look any of your collegues in the eye…

Then you tell your parents in the evening and my mother becomes hysterical and says “I get to live that moment” (she’s a bit older than most mums, so her biggest fear was that I could only be pregnant at 40 and she will by then have complete dementia/in a wheelchair) and you have to tell your mum to chill because it’s IUI and maybe it didn’t work and we have to wait another week for confirmation but she just keeps jumping up and down.

I never had to be this “careful” happy about good news.

It’s not the way I imagined to become pregant and to announce my pregnancy to my family, but in fact I don’t care!

I’m pregnant and that’s all that matters. I would gladly take blood test every day if that is what it takes. It makes me realise why people say that pregnancy is a miracle. Because after 2 years wanting, crying, trying, it is a miracle! there are no other words for it.

Thank you, my WordPress buddies, for the support! You are such sweet, supportive people!

And I’m so hoping that you guys will have good news soon. FINGERS CROSSED!!!!

TWW

waiting for some good news or some bad news for more than a week now after IUI n°3…

and experiencing all kinds of pregnancy symptoms that, when you think about it rationally, ARE NOT pregnancy symptoms…

like:

– upset stomach and bowels: I just ate something wrong. But it’s going on for days now? What if…?

– very tired. Oh wait, that’s because it’s freakin’ hot and I woke up at 6 in the morning from the heat

– sore boobs: but my boobs are always tender, except when I have my period. It’s just nature playing crude jokes on me.

– being calm and poise: oh wait, that’s not a symptom, but it’s a good thing!! I’m pleased with myself!

– not interested in drinking alchohol or fried foods: didn’t I just say that my stomach is upset and that it’s 35 ° Celsius?

– sobbing from some dumb problem at work, while realising I’m sobbing that I really really want this IUI to work…

– AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

iui n°3

ok you guys…

I had my third IUI this morning. And I’m optimistic. Because we win either way:

if it’s a BFP: WE HAVE A BABY! Yayy!

if it’s a BPN because the universe hates us: the hospital will FINALLY do additional exams (blocked tubes, endomytriosis, and some other shit I just don’t know about, but please, just put all your hospital equipment into my vagina to find out what the hell is wrong with me). So I can maybe have an answer for almost 2 years of trying.

In the meanwhile:

here we go again

So we are going to do the third round of IUI. I’m really going to try not let it get to me emotionally this time.

Unfortunately I had a really sad conversation with my brother. What is it with family members anyway? They always “know best”.

My big brother means the world to me. So maybe that’s why his words hurt more than for example the rant of my brother-in-law a few weeks ago.

My brother thinks that I can’t get pregnant because I’m not really wanting it. He thinks that because he and his wife tried for one year, but at the same time her big sister was trying with IVF, and it was’nt working. So when her sister finally got pregnant, then, suddenly, my sister-in-law and my brother were pregnant. He blames it to the psychological aspect: his wife didn’t wanted to get pregnant before her big sister. As soon as the big sister was with child, her emotional bloccage was gone.

Hey, if they believe that, that’s fine. That’s their business. But to suggest that I’m holding back from getting pregnant because there is some psychological bloccage inside me?

I said “what is it then”. He said: “well, you haven’t planned your insurance yet. you don’t seem to plan a lot about giving birth and the hospital and stuff” (as a fact, I did think about insurance, but not about giving birth, that’s not the issue now!!)

My dad said then: “well, it’s not like she hasn’t been preparing for the baby in the house, look at her perfect ready big house, everything is ready” (thanks daddy for the support!) It’s not like I have bought baby items, but we have a room which will be the nursery and we have two bathrooms when the baby or babies will grow up.

I was like “yeah, of course I’m insecure about motherhood, but I’m always insecure about everything! So that’s normal, right?”

So now my brother was like “oh my god aren’t you READY to be a mother? That’s it then!”

Ok, so, I’m not the picture perfect mother-to-be. I don’t dream of babies since I was 8. I was always a bit afraid to take of children, because I don’t know how to do it. I never babysitted, except for my nephew’s and that was always with my mother, never alone.

I’m not “called” to be a mother, like some of my friends. Do you know what I mean? They’re like MENT to be. They never doubted or feared motherhood. They always talk about kids. I’m, on the other hand, just not the motherly type. My sister-in-law and my brother they are picture perfect parents. They always knew they wanted to have kids. I made that decision only 2 years ago, although I really knew I want to have kids “some day” at 22, when my youngest nephew was born.

Since I wanted kids (2 years already) I’m more and more into it, and seriously, do I have to read babybooks already or buy baby outfits? No I don’t do these things. Because I don’t want to get hurt even more.

I’m taking it step by step. Let’s get pregant first (that’s already a lot of work apparently) and then, only then, I will be into the whole motherhood thing. Not now. What if it never works? Let me bitch about preggo’s and perfect mothers right now, because that’s what I need. Don’t let me wander around a babystore, because I would only cry at the sight of cute little outfits.

I’m certain I want kids though. I want them for 2 years now. I hold the babies of my friends in my arms, cuddle them, and wished I had one. I see my imaginary kid play around the house or going on walks with me. I see this kid around the dinnertable chatting with Hubby and me about all kinds of things and have a good laugh.

I’m insecure about everything new. That’s just how I am. I’m not insecure at work any more, but it took me a couple of years. I was insecure about my relationship. Now I’m insecure about motherhood.

Does that cause unexplained infertility? I tried to explain that they only do more tests after 3 failed IUI’s, so we don’t know the cause (yet), but now my brother is convinced. I’m blocking the pregnancy with my mind.

That’s just great. And if he thinks that, maybe so many other people think that too.

Are there any others infertiles out there who are insecure about motherhood? Does that mean that I don’t deserve to get pregnant? Does it mean that it’s my fault? I can hardly imagine that no woman ever has never felt insecure and that I’m the only one…

the Mothers

I thought for a long time that there was this not so secret order, called “the Mothers”, which consists of pregnant women or women that gave birth and can’t stop talking about their offspring and are incredibly bonding.

Every time there is a new preggo in the office for instance, the other preggo’s and Mothers gather round this new preggo, welcome her into the order, chitchat with high pitch voices about that Motherhood is the most beautiful feeling in the whole wide world and just sounds like a bunch of overexcited chickens. No offence but it’s like that in our office.

The same with my friends. Like that time one of my friends announced her pregnancy first thing at my birthday dinner party, so the other guests (of course only preggo’s and Mothers) talked about kids the whole party (the only time they didn’t speak about it was when they handed over my birthday present. I wasn’t part of their chitchat. I didn’t have anything to say about the subject. I cried afterwards and felt guilty about it, like any good infertile woman would do).

I thought that those Mothers now had this unbreakable bond and that, especially with my collegues, it was now this exclusive club where not-mothers and men were not allowed, and they stick to each other and be compassionate about each other.

Of course, I felt left behind. I wasn’t part of the club. I couldn’t tell stories (so I tell stories about my friend’s babies, how very very sad). I still felt compassion though, if something bad happend to one of the preggo’s. Because some of them had pregnancy diabetes and couldn’t eat sugar, one had a tiny premature baby (4!!! months to early!!!), two of them had to lay still because the baby was to far low, etc.

Now one of my collegues gave birth. Her best friend at the office, announced it to us and said it was an emergency cesarean. It was strange that there was not the same exclamations of joy. The majority didn’t seem very interested. My collegues next to me just stayed at her desk, while I turned to listen to the announcement. None of the Mothers takes the initiative to collect money for the babypresent. None of the Mothers took the initiative to collect money for my other collegues who gave birth a month ago.

She had a though birth (the baby’s heart rate dropped) and when I wanted to tell my collegue who sits next to me “hey, you want to know the whole story about the birth, it was horrible”, she immediately interrupted me by saying “yes she had an emergency cesarian, of course it was bad, don’t you knoooow that emergency cesareans ONLY apply if something goes wrong” but she didn’t knew what was wrong and just cut me off. So I said, please, let me tell the whole story, and then she reacted with her usual “ok”.

It hit me then: it is not like I imagined. The Mothers only gather and talk babystuff because they want to talk about their baby. They are only interested in other babies when they can collect information that can be useful for their own baby. You know, conversations are like this: “My baby has diarrhea/vomits/can’t sleep/cries the whole time”. “ooh my baby has that too/my baby is super healthy and such a good boy/did you try xxx because it helped mine” and then they will no doubt say to themselves “lucky me with my good boy/OMG what is wrong with me I’m a terrible mother and she is such a great mother, how does she do that”.

Even Mothers are sellfish in that way. Now I’m not speaking for my best riends, because I know they truly care for each other, but my expectation that it’s one select club who truly are compassionate and bonding is now much lower.

Maybe I’m sellfish too. I also talk about my infertility problems with my preggo friends who would rather not hear about it because they have one and I don’t and it makes them feel bad. Maybe I’m not enthousiastic enough when I hear a pregnancy announcement or a birth because it makes me happy and sad at the same time.

I am truly shocked however at the low level of empathy that the Mothers have towards other Mothers. It seems strange to me that an infertile woman like me has more empathy then a Mother towards another mother. Because, unlike the infertile woman who has serious problems (I’ve been told that it can look like or is post-traumatic stress), the Mother already has the “most beautiful thing in the world”, as they call it.

Seriously, what the fuck.

I’m not crazy

hi y’all

I went to my therapist today, for the first time in my life. It wasn’t scary at all. I had a very nice young woman, who doesn’t judge. yay!

Unfortunatley, 50 minutes is not a lot of time, so I left with a new appointment and a weird feeling in my stomach, because it’s impossible to brief this person about everything what is going on and what my feelings are.

My first task is to delegate more to other people (easier said than done for this control-freak 🙂 If I can’t deal work-babytreatments-being a “landlady”, than I have to delegate more aspects of renting our house to Hubby. Also I have to try to speak only once a week with hubby about the tenants. So it doesn’t constantly mess with my mind.

She also said that it’s defenitely harder for my than for Hubby and that it’s normal to feel this way. She also answered my insecure questions in a patient way: “no,you’re not mad” and “this conversation wasn’t a waste of my professional time”.

Also, my problems with my tenants are “luxury” problems: yes, I own a house and I rent it, but that doesn’t make my problems with this house less real, and if I can’t cope dealing with it right now because of baby issues, then that’s just how it is.

Ok. It kinda felt good telling my issues to some stranger. Must do that more often 🙂

The baby-free month is also quite relaxing. Yesterday I went to the beach with hubby (of course it rained) and we had a nice dinner WITH drinks. It was nice!

Next weekend I have to go to yet another babyvisit, but it’s my best friend this time and I’m looking kinda forward to it. In the way that only a woman with infertility problems can look forward to a babyvisit. You all are getting this, right…

corpse reviver

Yesterday Hubby took me out for cocktails. He said that I had to take a break from my life as a nun/ascete. It was definitely a fun night.

I had a cocktail called “Corpse Reviver”. Really did the trick I might say 🙂

I’m also thinking about ways to become a happier person. This month, without the IUI attempts, and with an appointment with a therapist in a few weeks, I should really concentrate on being happy and not focusing on negative aspects of my life. I’m really tired of feeling sad most of the time. I just don’t know how to become more happy, but at least I should try. There’s got to be more to life than TTC and being jealous of other people.

i just wished some friends were more supportive. It’s almost like you always have to talk about happy things, because when you tell a sad thing people don’t know how to handle it. Really frustrating! I just want somebody who listens and don’t judge. Or should I just put on a happy face and pretend everything is ok, so my friends will feel better about it too?