*trigger allert: pregnancy discussed*
Society never liked me, and especially now I’m pregnant, Society thinks she may bitch even harder about my way of life.
You could NOT believe how many times I already heard that I will have two kids. I waited 2 years for this baby (it’s a girl by the way 🙂 and I’m scared and excited at the same time (because of course, being incertain doesn’t magically dissapear when one gets knocked up) for the delivery and the fact that I will be raising an actual child but, hey, let’s already discuss me wanting of course two children, because that’s what society expects of you. No I don’t want to talk about childREN. I want to talk about this baby, and we will see. I don’t care about stories like “my friend got IVF and then magically got the second child natural” or “you can always do IUI again to have your second”. Or the most annoying one: “one child is not enough, it will be spoiled and lonely.”
Wait. Can I get over my little depression I got from all those infertility problems? Can I first have my child and see what it’s like to be a mom, before already wanting a second one? If infertility taught me anything, it’s that you cannot plan life and it’s better not to hope hope hope for something which cannot be planned. Things will happen if they will happen. Maybe I will get pregnant without problems. Maybe in a couple of years we’ll decide that we are boarding the rollercoaster of IUI and it will work like it did this time. Maybe IUI will not work and I’ll have to do IVF. Maybe plural times. Maybe I will suffer depression from all that TTC stuff. Maybe I will not condenm my daughter to a depressed mom who so desperatly wants to try for a second child, that she forgets her first.
Can’t I just wait en see? I don’t want to plan my life anymore. It was planning who got me so anxious when I had to wait so long before getting pregnant.
And then there is the pink fluffy cloud I’m supposed to sit on. Especially after those fertility treatments! You ungrateful bitch, society thinks when people ask me how the baby is doing and I reply that she’s doing great, but that the mommy finds carrying a child freaking difficult. I already had 4 months of nausea, then my belly muscles started to hurt very bad at every step, I begin to waggle, I could not bend over, I’m tired, I’m MOODY, I eat tons of shit, I’m ANGRY when NOT FED, and I feel constantly guilty about this and am a bit afraid to complain because people expect you to be on your pink fluffy cloud.
Other people just float through pregnancy without any problems and make nasty comments like: “you waggle a lot, you seem to have some difficult times being pregnant, it’s funny”
NO SHIT SHERLOCK
“That’s just your hormones”
LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE
“How’s the baby?” asked everytime someone sees me
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO ASK HOW I AM DOING FOR A CHANGE. BABY’s FINE BUT I’M FEELING IGNORED
“can you still do your job?” (some sexist male collegue)
OF COURSE I CAN I’M NOT DEAD YET
You see, it’s not a pink fluffy cloud. I don’t like pregnancy at some moments of the day. I don’t think most women like all those little symptoms, but they just don’t mention them. I don’t like to mention them either, but if someone asks how the belly doing, then I like to give an accurate response 🙂
But the other moments of the day… they are priceless!
When you feel her kick gently. When you think about her room. When you’re assembling babystuff with hubby. When you let hubby feel her kick. When you make jokes with hubby about that the baby will have to take care of her crazy mother. When you get a ton of cute little baby clothes from a friend. When you think you will teach her all the nerdy cool stuff and see her first Star Wars movie or read Harry Potter 🙂 when you are feeling down at work because you are stressed out and then you rub your belly and say hi to the baby, and imagine her saying back that everything will be ok.
I love being pregnant, really.
I just wished it was acceptable to complain a bit about it.