being a parent episode 1

So let’s sum up what parenting is all about. I’ll do it in episodes.

Episode 1 is about breastfeeding. And it’s not what you’ll expect to hear but the raw truth.

Breastfeeding sucks. I’m doing it for more than 5 months now and I’m gradually stopping since last week. I didn’t bring a part of my pumping device to work so I saw it as a sign that I should stop this ordeal for good. I don’t get mommy’s who get all dreamy when talking about breastfeeding. I don’t get one daddy who said to me that it must create an immense bond between you and the baby, which he would never get.

Let me tell you the truth about breastfeeding how I experienced it: the first weeks your nipples bleed, you are in pain with explosing breast, you are in constant fear of infection, your baby wants to feed every hour, you get freakin tired while still recovering from hard labour. After a few weeks I got annoyed because YOU ARE THE MUM AKA MILK COW and therefore you cannot go anywhere because YOU are THE SOURCE of THE FOOD. You get the advice that you shouldn’t give the baby a bottle of pumped milk so you literally have to be around constantly because, what if she wants to be fed?

Luckily my little girl was a natural at breastfeeding. She got the hang of it from day one and I overproduced, so I had to let the preassure every time because otherwise she couldn’t take all that milk! I consider myself really lucky because you hear enough stories about babies who don’t know how to drink, too little milk, etc. No complaints in that department!

Then, after a while, you get used to the breastfeeding: it’s easy, environmental-friendly, always at hand, etc. So I even gave breastfeeding in public and felt somehow comfortable. I still saw it as an ordeal, but washing bottles all the time is also annoying. So I felt okay with it.

When I got back to work after 4 months however, I totally collapsed. It was NOT FUN to leave your job twice a day to get pumpin’, to get back home and to hear from hubby that I didn’t produce enough milk because she had a good appetite (hurray for that!). So it was stressfull to sit there and wait till the pumpin device sucked the last drop of liquid gold out of my tities. I missed meetings, and got all worked up about it. I WANTED TO STOP!

When I breastfeed, it feels nice because the baby is happy and she looks content with the amount of food. But I don’t experience it as a bonding happy moment. I gave her some bottles and my feelings about that are just the same, and even more pleasant. It’s all about the feeding, not the way how you do it that feels nice.

Maybe I just have very sensitive breasts or maybe I just don’t have the same squishy momsy feeling about this breastfeeding thing. It may be frowned upon by other mothers, but that’s just how I feel. I did it because it’s recommended and because I had the time for it. Now I want my breast back and I don’t want any more milk leaking out and sore nipples. That said, I’m very proud that I got through with it and provided my little girl 6 months of Nature’s best. I also experience an immense guilt that I’m taking this Nature’s best away from her. But it just cannot go on like this. So I’m gradually stopping. I hope she won’t hate me later or be sick all the time. Because of course I have a very low esteem about my mommy skills. When you look at my baby girl growing like a mushroom, you could really question my low self esteem though 😉

So there it is, my (controversial) opinion about breastfeeding!