here we go again

So we are going to do the third round of IUI. I’m really going to try not let it get to me emotionally this time.

Unfortunately I had a really sad conversation with my brother. What is it with family members anyway? They always “know best”.

My big brother means the world to me. So maybe that’s why his words hurt more than for example the rant of my brother-in-law a few weeks ago.

My brother thinks that I can’t get pregnant because I’m not really wanting it. He thinks that because he and his wife tried for one year, but at the same time her big sister was trying with IVF, and it was’nt working. So when her sister finally got pregnant, then, suddenly, my sister-in-law and my brother were pregnant. He blames it to the psychological aspect: his wife didn’t wanted to get pregnant before her big sister. As soon as the big sister was with child, her emotional bloccage was gone.

Hey, if they believe that, that’s fine. That’s their business. But to suggest that I’m holding back from getting pregnant because there is some psychological bloccage inside me?

I said “what is it then”. He said: “well, you haven’t planned your insurance yet. you don’t seem to plan a lot about giving birth and the hospital and stuff” (as a fact, I did think about insurance, but not about giving birth, that’s not the issue now!!)

My dad said then: “well, it’s not like she hasn’t been preparing for the baby in the house, look at her perfect ready big house, everything is ready” (thanks daddy for the support!) It’s not like I have bought baby items, but we have a room which will be the nursery and we have two bathrooms when the baby or babies will grow up.

I was like “yeah, of course I’m insecure about motherhood, but I’m always insecure about everything! So that’s normal, right?”

So now my brother was like “oh my god aren’t you READY to be a mother? That’s it then!”

Ok, so, I’m not the picture perfect mother-to-be. I don’t dream of babies since I was 8. I was always a bit afraid to take of children, because I don’t know how to do it. I never babysitted, except for my nephew’s and that was always with my mother, never alone.

I’m not “called” to be a mother, like some of my friends. Do you know what I mean? They’re like MENT to be. They never doubted or feared motherhood. They always talk about kids. I’m, on the other hand, just not the motherly type. My sister-in-law and my brother they are picture perfect parents. They always knew they wanted to have kids. I made that decision only 2 years ago, although I really knew I want to have kids “some day” at 22, when my youngest nephew was born.

Since I wanted kids (2 years already) I’m more and more into it, and seriously, do I have to read babybooks already or buy baby outfits? No I don’t do these things. Because I don’t want to get hurt even more.

I’m taking it step by step. Let’s get pregant first (that’s already a lot of work apparently) and then, only then, I will be into the whole motherhood thing. Not now. What if it never works? Let me bitch about preggo’s and perfect mothers right now, because that’s what I need. Don’t let me wander around a babystore, because I would only cry at the sight of cute little outfits.

I’m certain I want kids though. I want them for 2 years now. I hold the babies of my friends in my arms, cuddle them, and wished I had one. I see my imaginary kid play around the house or going on walks with me. I see this kid around the dinnertable chatting with Hubby and me about all kinds of things and have a good laugh.

I’m insecure about everything new. That’s just how I am. I’m not insecure at work any more, but it took me a couple of years. I was insecure about my relationship. Now I’m insecure about motherhood.

Does that cause unexplained infertility? I tried to explain that they only do more tests after 3 failed IUI’s, so we don’t know the cause (yet), but now my brother is convinced. I’m blocking the pregnancy with my mind.

That’s just great. And if he thinks that, maybe so many other people think that too.

Are there any others infertiles out there who are insecure about motherhood? Does that mean that I don’t deserve to get pregnant? Does it mean that it’s my fault? I can hardly imagine that no woman ever has never felt insecure and that I’m the only one…

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3 thoughts on “here we go again

  1. Seriously?!? What the heck?! infertility is not a Jedi mind trick! If all it took to stay barren was insecurity about parenthood, there would be no teenage mothers or need for abortion clinics. What the actual F?!
    I certainly hope it’s normal to be nervous about being a mom. I think any potential parent who is doing it right is going to worry. For gosh sakes, you’re RAISING a HUMAN in hopes that it turns out well. And they’re so tiny and fragile; of course it’s a bit scary.
    I’m sure you love your big brother, but he is so unbelievably wrong. Next time you see him, kick him in the shin for me 😀

    • hahaha, not a Jedi mindtrick, I should say that to him, we are both Star Wars freaks 🙂 thanks for the support. He just doesn’t know what it’s all about. My therapist says that just because I’m insecure and worrying that she has no doubt that I’m up for motherhood. It just a good thing being (a bit) insecure, it shows that you care 🙂

  2. I am ver insecure about motherhood. I wonder all the time what I would do or say and if I’d be good at it. And, like you, I didn’t grow up wanting a huge family. I only decided to start trying once I turned 30 and my “life was in order”, which I thought was responsible but others say I wanted too long. It’s always easier for someone else to have an opinion or “know what’s right” when looking in, but they don’t see the whole story. I don’t think it’s an emotional blockage preventing you from getting your BFP.

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