panic attack

ok you guys. I’m seriously freaking out.

Yesterday I was calm and poise and everything, except that there was an annoying (money related) problem to handle and I didn’t have immediately the solution.

So I said to myself, don’t stress about it, and deal with it later. It was not a problem that needed immediatly fixing and it’s not a big deal after all. It wasn’t that I’m going to be broke or something, it was just about losing money in our small family business that is our second job.

At midnight however, I couldn’t fall asleep and I kept thinking about the problem and the solutions, my body completely tensed up and I was stressing A LOT. Hubby woke and then I 1) had a little tantrum 2) had a long heartbreaking sob 3) hyperventilated (I almost never do that) so he had to let me breathe through a bag 4) felt terribly anxious about that because of the panic attack my IUI will have failed (I don’t know if that can happen, but since everybody is always telling me to just relax…)

What the fuck was going on?

And then it hit me. The infertility was just too much to handle. I can handle one big problem at the time but I cannot handle infertility treatments and a business problem AT THE SAME TIME. It’s just too much. I was doing so great handling my shots and the doctors and the hospital and my pregnant friends that I didn’t realise what a great psychological impact those infertility treatments have.

So I would like to see a shrink or something. Only problem is that in this country, you only go to a shrink if you are completely mad or have a real depression. Here you have to deal with your anxieties and stressfull situations on your own.

So now I’m worried that hyperventilating for 5 minutes and sobbing  for 15 minutes will harm the sperm and the egg or whatever stadium that those two are at this moment. Could hyperventilating have an impact on IUI? Should I Google it? (noooooooooooo    …. 🙂

I said it already. What a mess.

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2 thoughts on “panic attack

  1. Oh hon, I’m so sorry that you’re struggling. Maybe look in to a therapist? They’re pretty good and have less of a stigma than psychologists. IF really, really sucks! On the bright side, I can’t imagine that your breakdown affected the IUI- the sperm are already in your uterus and they can’t go anywhere. Don’t beat yourself up for having an IF meltdown; we have ALL been there.

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