corpse reviver

Yesterday Hubby took me out for cocktails. He said that I had to take a break from my life as a nun/ascete. It was definitely a fun night.

I had a cocktail called “Corpse Reviver”. Really did the trick I might say 🙂

I’m also thinking about ways to become a happier person. This month, without the IUI attempts, and with an appointment with a therapist in a few weeks, I should really concentrate on being happy and not focusing on negative aspects of my life. I’m really tired of feeling sad most of the time. I just don’t know how to become more happy, but at least I should try. There’s got to be more to life than TTC and being jealous of other people.

i just wished some friends were more supportive. It’s almost like you always have to talk about happy things, because when you tell a sad thing people don’t know how to handle it. Really frustrating! I just want somebody who listens and don’t judge. Or should I just put on a happy face and pretend everything is ok, so my friends will feel better about it too?

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IUI n°2 …

… also failed miserably.

Of course AF showed up just AFTER a party weekend, where I, good girl that I am, politely refused all alcoholic beverages and endured speeches about my stress levels.

Nature just likes to play cruel jokes with you I guess.

So, instead of going on another round of IUI, like the hospital suggested, I said no and decided that, with hay fever coming along and to take a break from it all, we would do nothing this month that has to do with baby making. This way I can take my meds for the hay fever (which are apparently also forbidden when you have a possibility of being pregnant) and have an occasional drink at a party for crying out loud.

Hubby said when I was sobbing again because AF showed up, that he really admired the fact that I’m giving up so much (meds, alcohol, coffee, sanity, …) for the baby.

Still, no baby. What else can I do to get pregnant? I really don’t know. I just wished I knew what is wrong with me. Further examinations however will only happen after a 3th failed IUI.

Sigh.

It was also the child of my best friend second birthday this weekend. She posted a beautiful picture on Facebook. And then I realised: it’s 2 years since I wanted a baby. It was when I held that little girl from my best friend in my arms, and she nested herself in my arms and buried her face against my chest that I knew: I have to get me one of those. A few months later, hubby “popped the question”. When I look at that little girl all grown up, I realised what a long time I’m already wanting a child…

after the communion

Yesterday we went to the first and solemn communion of the nieces of hubby (children of his brother’s).

There were 12 kids but they were a bit older, only one of them was 1,5 years old.

I was still feeling a little sick from the scarlet fever, and I dreaded the celebration. I didn’t want any of the usual awkward questions from hubby’s family. Strangely, nobody asked me when I will have babies. In fact, nobody paid any attention to me at all (except one drunk uncle). All the women where constantly about the kids. Everything was about the kids. So obviously I was left out. And I was the only not drunk adult person in the room. Luckily I decided that instead of sulking in my little corner, it was better to enjoy the enormous bouncy castle (no weight limit, yippieee) with the children. I had a blast at last.

Unfortunately, hubby’s brother came to us later that evening and asked how the IUI went. Hubby just recently told him we are trying (it’s his family, so he can choose to tell whenever he wants, but I thought he waited a lot of time). And then, when I told him the chances of being pregnant with all this fever and sickness weren’t very high (still, AF didn’t show up, try not to think about that), he told me “YOU’RE TOOO STRESSED”.

I said “oh, did you get scarlet fever from being too stressed?” (hellow, do we have a new doctor in the family!?!)

and then he was like “but you’re too stressed, you’re doing to many things, my wife and I were trying for a year between two kids and we were too busy, so when we relaxed, we got pregnant”

I said “you cannot say to people just to stop stressing, it’s not my fault.”

and he ranted “yeah but I’m telling you anyways, because I’m right, YOU are too stressed.”

He has three perfect children and it’s all he and his wife can talk about. Of course, the situation is completely the same as our situation…..NOT. I feel bad for him that he had to wait a year between two kids, I know it’s heartbreaking, but he was basically telling me that I worked too hard and did too much stuff. I, not his brother. Only me. The woman.

Ok, just look at my life at the moment.

Yes, I’m stressed. I’m going to see a psychologist about it. The appointment is only next month. Guess what I’m stressed about, brother-in-law? It’s not work. It’s this freaking baby shit.

No I’m not stressed from work of from “doing too much”. I was a lawyer for 4 years. THAT was stressfull. I lived only for my work. Then I changed jobs and now I work for the government. Less stressfull, but very nice job, very difficult but nice hours.

Ok I have hobbies. So shoot me. Can a girl have some hobbies? My hubby is a musician and he has the craziest hours. If I just stayed at home after work and wait for him to return home, while of course “relaxing”, then I will definitely become crazy. I’m not the type to sit at home. Plus, my friends all have babies so there aren’t just so much girl’s night’s out any more. My social life is a bit diminished, so Thank. God. For. My. Hobbies.

Really, I love my life! I have a cool job and nice hobbies. I love hubby! I have an excellent relationship with my parents. I have that other business on the side (renting houses) but that’s from the family business, it’s sometimes stressfull when people don’t pay rent (like right now, hence the panic attack two weeks ago) but I don’t have a choice than to learn how to deal with those problems. I have to do that business because my whole family is in this business. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t like very much. That’s just life.

Why did my brother-in-law just pointed the finger at me again? Why is it always the woman’s fault?

And why is it anybody’s fault? It’s just bad luck, or maybe there is a medical problem, maybe we get a baby, maybe we don’t, maybe the doctors find a cause, maybe they don’t.

In the meanwhile, I will just relax. Or tell everyone how relaxed and happy I am. Without a baby. Yeah, I’m doing wonderfull.

scarlet fever

wth is wrong with me

seriously, wth?

I’m seriously ill, y’all. On Saterday, that’s 5 days after the IUI, I got sick. It got worse. My throat was a burning pit of hell, I had a fever and I wanted to sleep all the time. I could barely eat. I could’t take  any drugs because of the IUI of course, only paracetamol. And then I started to have red rash all over my upper body.

Turns out that I have SCARLET FEVER. That’s a CHILD disease. What are the chances?

I’m having a child disease when I’m 31 years old. I’m having a child disease while trying for a child. On mothersday. Damn you universe.

The chance that there will be a baby growing inside me, after three days of fever, antibiocis, herbal medicine who didn’t help at all, paracetamol and barely able to eat will be like 1% I guess.

Hubby joked about it, and said, if the baby could survive that, it will win the Tour de France when it will be grown up. Always the optimist.

ok, back to my sofa. My sofa and my bed are the only places I love to be these days.

No wait, first I will read the updates from all your blogs, of course!

beautiful greeting cards

this is a beautiful article! I think that with infertilityproblems, I wouldn’t want a greeting card but I would like that people would say the things to me that are on the cards below 🙂

http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_eye/2015/05/06/empathy_cards_by_emily_mcdowell_are_greeting_cards_designed_for_cancer_patients.html?wpsrc=sh_all_tab_fb_ru

A Cancer Survivor Designs the Cards She Wishes She’d Received From Friends and Family

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Empathy Cards were inspired by L.A.-based designer Emily McDowell’s experiences as a cancer patient and survivor.

Courtesy of Emily McDowell

Los Angeles–based designer Emily McDowell was diagnosed with Stage 3 Hodgkin’s lymphoma at age 24, enduring nine months of chemo and radiation before going into remission.

“The most difficult part of my illness wasn’t losing my hair, or being erroneously called ‘sir’ by Starbucks baristas, or sickness from chemo,” McDowell writes on her website. “It was the loneliness and isolation I felt when many of my close friends and family members disappeared because they didn’t know what to say, or said the absolute wrong thing without realizing it.”

The 38-year-old designer has been cancer-free ever since. But the emotional impact of the experience lingered, inspiring her to design a newly launched series of Empathy Cards—emotionally direct greeting cards that say the things she wanted to hear when she was ill.

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Courtesy of Emily McDowell

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She hopes that the Empathy Cards provide “better, more authentic ways to communicate about sickness and suffering” between patients and friends and loved ones suffering from cancer, chronic illness, mental illness, or other hardships. They are by turns earnest and world-weary, and good-humored without false cheer.

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Courtesy of Emily McDowell

“Get well soon” cards “don’t make sense when someone might not,” McDowell writes. “Sympathy cards can make people feel like you think they’re already dead. A ‘fuck cancer’ card is a nice sentiment, but when I had cancer, it never really made me feel better. And I never personally connected with jokes about being bald or getting a free boob job, which is what most ‘cancer cards’ focus on.”

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Courtesy of Emily McDowell

McDowell told me in an email that although she based the card ideas on her own experiences, she released some sketches on Instagram for feedback while the cards were in development, adding that she often uses the site “as a kind of focus group while I’m working, to see what ideas resonate with people.”

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Courtesy of Emily McDowell

The card designs follow McDowell’s signature style, which leans toward bright colors, minimal imagery, and homey type that she hand-draws in Photoshop with a digital pen. I asked her if she gave any special consideration to colors or images or other design elements given the subject matter.

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Courtesy of Emily McDowell

“I feel like people with an illness are people first, so I didn’t want to treat the aesthetics of these differently from the rest of my collection,” she said. “They did end up skewing a bit more feminine than I intended, though; future additions to the collection will be more gender-balanced.”

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Courtesy of Emily McDowell

With Empathy Cards, McDowell’s goal is “to help people connect with each other through truth and insight,” she writes. “I want the recipients of these cards to feel seen, understood, and loved.”

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Courtesy of Emily McDowell

Kristin Hohenadel’s writing on design has appeared in publications including the New York Times, Fast Company, Vogue, Elle Decor, Lonny, and Apartment Therapy.

panic attack

ok you guys. I’m seriously freaking out.

Yesterday I was calm and poise and everything, except that there was an annoying (money related) problem to handle and I didn’t have immediately the solution.

So I said to myself, don’t stress about it, and deal with it later. It was not a problem that needed immediatly fixing and it’s not a big deal after all. It wasn’t that I’m going to be broke or something, it was just about losing money in our small family business that is our second job.

At midnight however, I couldn’t fall asleep and I kept thinking about the problem and the solutions, my body completely tensed up and I was stressing A LOT. Hubby woke and then I 1) had a little tantrum 2) had a long heartbreaking sob 3) hyperventilated (I almost never do that) so he had to let me breathe through a bag 4) felt terribly anxious about that because of the panic attack my IUI will have failed (I don’t know if that can happen, but since everybody is always telling me to just relax…)

What the fuck was going on?

And then it hit me. The infertility was just too much to handle. I can handle one big problem at the time but I cannot handle infertility treatments and a business problem AT THE SAME TIME. It’s just too much. I was doing so great handling my shots and the doctors and the hospital and my pregnant friends that I didn’t realise what a great psychological impact those infertility treatments have.

So I would like to see a shrink or something. Only problem is that in this country, you only go to a shrink if you are completely mad or have a real depression. Here you have to deal with your anxieties and stressfull situations on your own.

So now I’m worried that hyperventilating for 5 minutes and sobbing  for 15 minutes will harm the sperm and the egg or whatever stadium that those two are at this moment. Could hyperventilating have an impact on IUI? Should I Google it? (noooooooooooo    …. 🙂

I said it already. What a mess.

iui n° 2

Just had my second IUI.

This one was way better than the first.

1) I already knew the procedure and where to go exactly in the hospital and knew what was coming.

2) Hubby was with me the whole time, he didn’t have any urgent work, and kept me entertained by chatting and doing a funny dance while we were left alone in the room to lay down for 15 minutes. I love hubby so much! The first time I was alone and staring at the ceiling of a hospital room for 15 minutes seemed like an eternity!

3) It didn’t hurt this time, nor was there any blood. I didn’t feel a thing! The first time I felt twitches and stings and I bleeded.

4) I took the morning of from work, so I arrived after lunch with hubby totally calm and poise at work, instead of bursting nervously in after 11 o’ clock mumbling something about back aches to my collegues…

Hope this one will work!