So my period came…

… way to early.

IUI n° 1 failed.

I was at work and just broke in to peaces (luckily it was lunchbreak) so I stormed out and cried for 15 minutes while calling hubby and bying tampons. I was really surprised that I could feel so sad.Then I hide in a fastfood restaurant so I could calm down before returning to work. I just couldn’t handle to eat with all my collegues in the cantine. I didn’t even tasted the food.

I expected AF to come at least only Wednesday, but now I already have my period on CD25; which is early for me. Wtf?

So, we’re off for IUI n°2 this month. What a mess.

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in the meantime

– I went to babyvisit n° 5423 (sometimes I don’t even remember the baby names of all my friends. There’s just too many of them!)

but it was nice. Babies are cute. I want one!

– I talked for the first time to a guy about our mutual infertility issues. I only discussed this topic with girls before.

it was awkward, but also nice. He had his first child at IUI #2 and had a natural pregnancy 1 year later (it was sooo unexpected, he said. (hate it when people say that, but I’m also very happy for them. It’s like the universe rewarded him and his wife for al the torture they’ve experienced for 2 years)

Another friend did IVF, got a baby, did IVF n°2 but it didn’t work and concieved naturally by miracle. It’s nice to hear those miracle stories, but will it ever apply for me as well? Trying not to think to negatively about all this…

– My facebook still explodes with babypictures, mostly always from the same persons, mostly showing non-interesting facts about the offspring.

but at least, we’re not in the apocalyptic future of the movie “Children of Men”, where nobody can conceive any more and WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.  At least, all those babies whose photo’s I’m obliged to see, will grow up and pay for my pension and social welfare later. Hah.

– My pregnant friends whom I told all cheer for a lucky IUI (although I still think most of them still think we’re doing IVF)

but I also got (from the few people with fertility issues) the warning that IUI mostly doesn’t work for the first time. YES OK I KNOW THAT BITCHES. I’m just trying to be relaxed about it, may I?

– I. Have. To. Much. Work.

but I’m typing on my blog now instead of typing for my work. Did I mention it’s Sunday and it’s a beautiful sunny day and I’m supposed to be working?

Wednesday=blood test day. That is is AF isn’t showing up till then. So there’s nothing left for me to do than work.

Get on with in!

I want

I want to drink alcohol. especially champagne. Or a cocktail in this sunny weather. GIMME!

I want to drink coffee. I’m so freaking tired!!! Lots of coffee. All kinds of coffee. mmmmm coffeee……

I want my friend who I didn’t see for more than a year who came over yesterday to shut up about the fact that she spends all her free time with her child en doesn’t even have time to walk the dog or go running (she was a sports addict before baby). She said that the visit to my house was her first night out with friends since the baby (22 months). She never goes on a date with her husband anymore, they take the baby everywhere they go. She was like “it’s normal that you don’t take time for yourself because I made the decision to be a mom”.

So of course I’m freaking the hell out: do you have to spend every free hour from work CONSTANTLY with your child? Will I never be able to leave the baby with my mom and go for a nice walk for an hour? She never does that. She never leaves the baby alone. Ever. I also don’t think that her husband is home much. But still. Take the child to your mum doesn’t make you a bad mother. Does it?

Luckily I do have other friends who DO spend time alone or with husband, work out and have dinner and enjoy life a bit more than this perfect mother. WTH?

I also want that my work would progress a bit faster. I’m a lazy bitch these days at work.

I want this IUI to work. My breast hurt a couple of days and I feel weird in my stomach. Could be just nerves. Or could it be….?

I want to stop thinking about the IUI. And I want to be calm and poise and don’t have to have the hysterical breakdown at work yesterday ever again (when I thought I got an extra task when all I wanted was some peace and quiet for the next couple of weeks). Of course, I’m only doing it to myself. I stress because I stress. Stress is sometimes just what I am. Very exhausting.

I want to have more self-esteem. Where did all my self-esteem go on this journey TTC?

I want…to stop wanting things 🙂

so many couples…

When I was in the waiting room of the hospital, waiting to get an echography and blood test, it hit me that there were so many women in the waiting room. Ok, I’m going to a hospital who is internationally known for fertility issues, and it’s in the capital, but still… It broke my heart to see so many women waiting for a baby. They will have all kinds of reasons (I saw a few lesbian couples, I saw a few women in their 40’s, I saw women younger than me) but I don’t want so many women to undergo those fertility treatments.

Because I only have one friend who had IVF and nobody else ever talks about infertility (they shout out loud that their husband only had to look at them and there was the pregnancy, hmpfff) I always felt very alone on the subject. Seeing all those women made me felt less alone but also made me feel guilty about feeling less alone. I only wished that people could speak more open about it. You never hear anything like this in your friends circle or even in the media. Only Kim Kardashian is struggling momentarely to have a second baby and there is a Belgian cycler and the Belgian prime minister who told the media about the miscarriages of their wives. That’s it. Nobody ever talks about it. I also think that my friends who know about our struggle don’t know how to cope with it and it makes them feel unconfortable to talk about it. I understand but it sucks for me!!!!

I don’t wish this constant nagging and hoping and crying and trying for a baby to be part of anybody’s lifes. I wished that every couple could get pregnant in a months time. Seeing all those women in the waiting room just fills my heart with sadness. I hope everybody is coping well. I hope everybody gets his happy ending.

The problem is that the world isn’t a fair place. Sadly, but true.

A big hug for all my infertile sisters out there!!!!

IUI

so we had IUI, for the first and hopefully for the last time.

We had a lot of stressy laughs with the needles for the Pregnyl-5000 drug: my caveman managed to break one of the bulbs completely but managed to get the drug out and then I stuck myself with the needle and managed to get the needle out sideways so there was a little wound and it started bleeding…

this morning we went for the IUI. It was more relaxing then I thought (lots of waiting between the sperm collection and the actual insemination) but I felt a bit alone because my caveman had to work. That’s really a downside to IUI: you can NOT plan anything. Otherwise he would have stayed but this day was important at work, so there I was alone in the cafeteria waiting for my turn and doing little walks outside for two hours.

I think that the whole medical procedure is really the oposite of romantic.

You basically wait for your man to do his thing, then luckily the waiting room was empty so we could hug and kiss each other. Then he left for work and I was left waiting. Then a nurse comes to get me, introduces herself with a handshake, places me on the table, announced that my cervix looks good and the caveman has lot of swimmers, inserts a catheder in me, then inserts another catheder with a little bow, injects the sperm and there I layed for more minutes before leaving the hospital and going to work very late (mumbling an excuse like “my back ached so much I went to a chiropract”.

So romantic really. But while I was left waiting I stroke my belly and said “gooooo baby” and I felt really at peace. Normally I’m a bit cynical to protect myself from getting hurt (and then getting hurt by the BFN anyways 🙂 , but now I’m in the two-week-wait and so I allow myself to be a little more optimistic.

gooooooo baby!