IUI’s coming

can’t believe I’m having a medical procedure now. I never thought I would get to this point.

I was so angry with AF Friday. I don’t actually want doctors to probe me with all kinds of equipment. I just want to be left alone, but instead the hospital called that I have to do an echography next Saturday morning, while I was in rehearsal and the whole orchestra looked at me answering nervously the call and storming out the rehearsal while mumbling “I’m sorry, please carry on”.

On the other hand, it’s a good thing that we’re going into the medical stuff, so they can find out what’s wrong with me.

oh, and I had a lovely telephone conversation with my mother-in-law about the procedure (because it could interfere with our Easter visit to my parents-in-law). While she freaks out over everything, she can handle medical stuff better then anyone else. It was an awkward conversation for me at first but she made me feel at ease.

My owm mum is on a trip so she doesn’t even know we’re going to do IUI this month, but she offered to help me to the probing with needles part (maybe that will be the first thing she has to do when she returns from holiday).

I hope we will do allright and I’m planning to handle this IUI LIKE A BOSS. Yes I can. Can I?

afraid

I really thought I got pregnant this month. We really tried. What the fuck is wrong with me?

And how much planned sex can you have for a year and a half?

So this means we have to do IUI. I already watched a 2 hours dvd to explain everything. Most boring video ever. they even explain how to mix your drugs to be injected.

IUI sounds like lots of unplanned fun. I very afraid it will intervene with my work. I’m NOT telling my boss about this, so I just have to make an excuse if I am late. looking forward for that.

I’m really angry and depressed. And because I’m starting with IUI I’m not supposed to drink a single drop of alcohol any more. Says the fucking dvd. Great. Just great. just absolutely terrific.

Meanwhile, at work, those moms are complaining about their sick babies all around me. Just trying to nod sympathetically. I don’t want to be considered a bitch, right?

right????

dealing with friends and family

My little nephew asked me yesterday when I will have a baby because he wants to play with it.

He asked me that same question for the last half year almost every two weeks or so. So. Very. Annoying.

I think that he even gets the fact that’s it’s taking a bit longer for me than most women (we once kind of explained it in a not very clear way) but that he’s becoming impatient.

It’s really difficult not to get angry at such a small boy (9 years old) for being impatient. He’s also grieved by my infertility and also doesn’t know how to deal with it.

I’m thinking if my friends and family who never ask questions about me or asking how I am or who don’t react when I’m telling about my struggle are one of the following:

a) Ignorant of my pain

b) in such grief that they can’t talk about it

c) thinking “don’t mention the war”

d) thinking that I’m making too big a fuzz about it and it will come in time

It’s really hard not to interpret all those (non)-reactions of people (like my collegue who only talks about her baby and never ask ME how I’m dealing with my infertility). Are they maybe in pain too because my situation? Or maybe they just don’t give a f***? Or they maybe just feeling awkward? But I’m dealing with enough already, do I need to comfort THEM?

What a difficult situation, I just don’t have an answer for it…